I haven't written in awhile, and it's because sometimes being honest with yourself can really change things up.

I haven't been ready or willing to change things up. I'm finally at a place where my home living rocks, my job isn't stressing me out and making me crazy...and I'm dating a guy. A really cool guy that kisses me the way I like, and he has cool friends. We all go out and do fun shit together.

I've never really been apart of a "group". I don't want to let it go.

If we're being honest..I don't want to let Jon go. Like, at all. I've never felt so comfortable with someone...

but I bore him and I know it. I know he's never going to love me, or try to make this relationship serious.

I could spend forever waiting for him to come around, and realize I could be good to him at least for a little while.

We haven't been talking much, and I know I've been kinda freaking him out. I never know when to say whats on my mind. I wait until it blows up in my face and then spend my time trying to pick up the pieces of the mess I've made.

It's been hard for me, trying to figure out what it is he wants from this. He's not a very vocal person, and I don't think he'd have much to say if I did ask. We never really discussed what this relationship was going to be, and now I feel like a fucking whore. I stay at his place all the time...we have sex somewhat often. We do spend time together sometimes...Idk I have a shakey feeling about the whole thing.

I haven't declared how I feel to him. I almost did the other day...he thinks of a me as a child. A stupid girl looking for any boy to want her.

I actually like him. I've accepted he's a brooder, and a quiet person. I've accepted he's fucked up in so many ways lol I just don't care.

What jon doesn't realize is how alike we are. How fucked up I am. All the Fucked up shit I've done. I've spend my time catering to him and he thinks of me as this sweet niave person. I have ugly insides too, and I think thats why I desperately seek love from the person I like. So I feel like he accepts me. Truth is, I doubt jon would stick around for long if he knew what I've done. Even to him without him knowing.

I wanted to write in this today because I'm going to be talking to jon about our relationship or if there even is one. I'm scared of what he'll say. What if he wants to date other people too? : / Can I do that? Both of us together and seeing other people? Is that crossing a line?

Do I even HAVE morals anymore? Fuck man.

I told him I was ok with us just hanging out..nothing too serious. Truth is that's probably for the best keeping it casual. It suits me better. If we can lock down some guidelines for the relationship I might be able to hande it pretty well.

I just know...he's going to be unfaithful in SOME way.

Or i am..

This is literally a disater waiting to happen, why do I get myself in these situations. First, I have two guys who would do anything for me and just LOVED me...LOVED ME. I don't want them. Now I have a guy...who just wants me to hang out...and will never feel more for me and he's the only thing I can think about.

I hate my fickle, emotional, hormonal ridiculous brain.

Hate. It.

Went to a show the other night with Jon. My idiot ass got all dressed up and wore heels (desperately trying here).

Idk I thought if I tried to look sexy maybe I'd catch his attention. Those heels hurt so bad, I think I ended up ruining the whole point of me going.

I want him to know I can be fun, and go out and party and dance and he can do those things with me if he wants to. I felt so insecure the whole time.

I look at him, and I wonder how often he thinks about her in comparison to me. I wonder..if he ever thinks about her when we're having sex.

*Cringe* This shit is going to do a serious number on my self esteem. I wonder how many people it's going to take beating me down before I become...hard to it. I always feel vulnerable, and scared. I'm not this person?

I'm independent, and I know what I want and I get what I want. I'm strong...

Jon makes me feel so weak. I'm completely in his hands and I have no idea how that happened. Half of me wants to leave, FUCK putting up with someone who doesn't just want me exactly the way I am and no one else. I mean, I want him and no one else, I don't want him to change I like him unconditionally. The other half...WTF how did this happen : [

How am I supposed to know I can trust him.

How do I know...he wants this and he isn't just sticking around cause he feels guilty.

I hate dating.

Well, Damnit.

I didn't really think these past 6 months through very well. I'm back to having all of my thoughts scrabled up.

I feel so rushed, from the terrible break from Robert to the wake up call that was Australia and now this with Jon.

Can I breathe for a second? lol I feel like I haven't in awhile.

Life has been much better, I feel free again..possibility. I'm going back to school this semester which excites me. I miss the social life it can bring, for so long I've been reclusive.

-sigh- I worry about this thing I got going with Jon. I like him a lot, and at first it was easy to just be wrapped up in him and his life.

I worry I may not be prepared to deal with the ..downfalls I'm seeing. He obviously has this thing for this girl he works with named Rachel. I don't think anything is going on...but I get the feeling he talks to her the way I used to when I was with Robert. The way I talked to Chris. Not really wrong...or cheating or something just idk. I just don't want to be on the other side of that lol it's shitty I know because I deserve it!

I just am sick of being with men where I'm not enough to keep them interested. It's unrealistic I know, guys minds wander. Fuck my mind wanders. I think his mind may wander..more. Idk. He always seems so distracted when with me. I feel like he's already getting bored of the routine we have gotten into. I try to change things up..do more...dress up in bed. It's been so long since I've been sexually comfortable with someone because of my past relationship.. I feel comfortable with Jon. Or at least I did till he started saying Rachels name in his sleep. >.< I just don't want to get screwed in this. I think he likes me but I never really know.

I honestly don't even know what to call us. We're having sex, and seeing each other every day...we say we aren't seeing other people idk if he isn't or not ..I'm not. It's just never really been discussed. Idk if I'm looking for a committed relationship..I like Jon so much and I enjoy chillen with him and being apart of his life and I don't want that to stop. I just don't want to get suffocated into another thing like it was with Robert. I want to be happy, and have fun and hangout with him...without constantly worrying if he's bored or wishing he was with someone else.

We're both very frustrated with our jobs, I can relate to how annoyed he gets with routine. I just dont know what I should do : / I just wanna be myself and him like me for that. I think despite all the craziness my life has thrown at me I've turned out pretty cool...he doesn't really even seem interested in being apart of my life though. He hardly comes over...which I understand because he works so early. It's just I see him and his friends all the time and he doesn't even really know mine..i never hardly see the dudes anymore. : / I'm far too accomidating to men...I'm rearranging my whole life for him. I really want him to be worth it though.

I wish he would just tell me what he is thinking. I wonder if he notices me pulling away from him...putting my wall up. I told him so much..stuff I've never told anyone.. probably too soon. I got vulnerable with him...and then I hear about Rachel..

I worry ...hm. I worry he needs someone unavailable to him in some way to stay intrigued. I'm not going to tug his emotions around to keep him interested.

I don't know if he trusts me. I don't know if I trust him. After I asked him about Rachel I noticed one day he had added a lock to his phone something I had never seen him do before. Just weird...like there's something he doesn't want me to see? I've thought about looking before..only what they have said to eachother nothing else. I've never done that : / but I think if he says her name again...i might. I might just to give me the incentive to try and leave. I don't want to play runner up in my own love game...

I know I like the dude because I'm over thinking everything. It's funny, the second I smoke pot everything seems less important.

I wish I had a dudes brain. Being a chick sucks, it's hard to uncloud the emotion and see the reason in things.

I hope things work out...cause' I think he's special. ; ]

oh...and I saw his band play? Sexiest thing ever.

That's my update : P Til next time I remember I have this thing...